It’s so easy to say, seems so easy to do… just put one foot in front of the other just breathe just get over all the other shit that could have would have should have happened and didn’t and just write the damned novel already.
I’ve been out of sorts lately, convincing myself this whole emotional roller coaster I’ve been on is just soul searching and not regret, not asking why and what if about every aspect of my life. It happens every year around this time, when I’m turning a year older, when I’ve spent another year doing a job that I couldn’t care less about and haven’t found myself one step closer to living my dream.
It doesn’t help that this is also a class reunion year. I stumbled across my yearbook the other day and began reading what some of my classmates wrote to me. It was filled with “you’re very talented… I know you’ll be famous someday… I love reading/hearing your work…” and I just wonder, where did I steer off the path? What stopped me? What is stopping me? Am I holding myself back telling myself it’s not the right time, not the right story? I mean, really, what the hell am I waiting for???
I realize I continuously find reasons to not move forward, whether it’s the subconscious fear of failure or even success, but even standing still I batter myself for purposely not doing what I love to do. No matter how supportive my friends, family and colleagues are, the only person it really matters to is me. I’m the one grumbling and complaining. I mean, people will continue to write novels, start magazines, get book deals, but that novel I want to write, those things I want to do will not get done unless I do it.
That out o f the way, I think I’ll be receiving a check soon for a story that will be published early next year. It won’t buy me a house or even a nice outfit, but it will make up for my not having sold anything thus far this year.