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Why?

why

I seldom feel the need to explain myself, and I never intended to start now. But since the news of my family’s move to Atlanta has been met with the general inquisition of “why,” I’ve been feeling the need to explain myself, to tick off reasons why we’ve decided to leave this grand old place, and basically, sell the idea of Atlanta to people who are not only not coming with us, but probably won’t even visit.

Our “why” basically is this, though.

We live in a rural area, and though my husband works for the federal government, his particular placement has little room for advancement right now. Atlanta has that. We do have family here, because we were born and raised here. However, that has been a blessing and a curse. Family is there for help and support, but only when they can and want to, and family tends to overstep their bounds. Hell, I’ll say it, my mother especially.

When you have the comfort and convenience of family, it’s hard to motivate yourself to go it on your own. For instance, I almost never have issues with babysitting. On the other hand, my mother often treats me like a teen mom and coaches me (without solicitation) through whatever thing I’m dealing with concerning the children.

We have special needs children, I’ve said that before. The school district has been accommodating, but all the while letting us know that they only have so many resources available and there is only so much they can do. We are relocating to a place where there will be many more resources for the children.

And also, despite their challenges, my children are gifted, but there are no resources here to help nurture their talents besides basic school activities. If my daughter wants to dance, she has to do it in her bedroom.

Finally, we will be in a place where, at last, I can give the proper time and attention to my own career. And not law enforcement. I’ll get to really give freelancing a shot, and I’ll be in a prime place to promote my book next year.

So, there you have it. Those are just a couple of reasons why other than, damn it, it’s our party and we’ll move if we want to.

Knowing When

I can be relentless to a fault. I can repeat the same thing over and over again in different ways just trying to get my point across or simply be heard. I was once too proud to do this, too afraid of showing weakness or vulnerability.

With age and well, Valium, that all sort of went out the window. I began feeling more like I didn’t have anything to lose and I voiced my opinion and about any and everything, everywhere I could. And, I received mostly the same results.

Now, I’m thinking I need to go back to being that silent and numb person I once was. It was better that way, and safer, and I wasn’t feeling as on edge or as much like I would stroke out at any moment. You can’t control everything. You can’t control most things, and that can be frustrating.

But you have to know when to back away and just let it be, because it’s going to be, whether you like it or not.

I’m back to writing in the meantime, and I hope that’s something that never changes about me, never is muted or tainted. I hope that’s something that never, ever goes away.

Whatever It Takes

I’ve already harped on Twitter about my 1k+ word count accomplishment today. To my fellow, more dedicated writer friends, this probably sounds like nothing, but for me who has been creatively mute for the past month or so, this is wonderful.

Of course, the burst of creative energy came from a huge bout of stress I’m dealing with, but fortunately, this is an awesome outlet for me. I subbed a story last week; I have another near completion, and I’m having tons of fun working on yet another (with sex injuries, yay!).

I’ve also added two-mile walks to the mix which also help.

Hell, anything is better than punching a wall (or a face), I guess.

Boundaries

I’ve been out of sorts lately, which really seems and sounds weird because I’m out of sorts most of the time.  It’s been more so, though, over the past few days because I have unresolved feelings about a home life situation. 

It’s had me thinking a lot about boundaries and respect and, really, proper protocol as it pertains to certain situation.  My husband, and apparently a handful of other people, don’t share my views on boundaries, respect and proper behavior, and lately I’ve been wondering if I’m in the minority with my opinions, or if this simply is the type of people I’ve gotten involved with, been spending my time around.

There are not many people in my life that I consider friends, therefore, there aren’t many people in my life besides family.  I have my oldest friend whom I’ve known for over twenty years, another friend I’ve known for almost as long, but who I feel closer to because we’re like minded in a lot of ways.  There is also a woman who is older than me whom I feel I can talk to about anything, who doesn’t have a judgmental bone in her body, and whom, over the years I’ve found to have had similar experiences as me, therefore she can shed light on a lot of the things I present her with in conversation or play devil’s advocate, back up what I’m saying, or whatever the situation calls for.

I’ve said all that to say, I don’t have male friends.  I’m friendly with male co-workers, but I couldn’t tick one off that I’d ask marital/man advice from, or ask for anything more than a dime to complete my fifty cents for a soda.  I used to have male friends.  Some of my closest friends were male.  This came to a halt when I got into a serious relationship.  Most of it was that it seemed inappropriate to me, being that these men weren’t friends/friendly with my significant other, and part of it was that I was involved with someone with insecurity, trust and jealously issues.

My spouse has a female friend who is friendly with me, who we invite to our home and both talk to.  However, when, if she needs something, it seems that he is her “go to” person.  And when I say “go to,” I mean she goes directly to him.  Even if she’s seen and talked to me all day.  She has borrowed money from “him” and most recently, needed to borrow a vehicle from “him.”  Forget all about the fact that it’s the family’s money and it’s the family’s vehicle.  I mean, who am I supposed to be…the barefoot housewife who cooks, cleans and doesn’t dare handle any of the household affairs?  That’s her life, not mine.

It seem(ed) all sorts of inappropriate to me, but being that we obviously have different views on this subject, he doesn’t see it that way.  The thing that bothers me is not that she needs/wants these things, but that she is married, and he is married, and she doesn’t feel it necessary to address me or at least address me first.  I joke with my spouse that he’s her other husband and she’s his other wife, when actually, I want these inappropriate behaviors to cease.

I can’t imagine any situation where I would feel the need to ask for something from another man who is not my relative, and especially a married one, even if he is a relative.  It would feel disrespectful to my marriage, and I would feel like I was disregarding my spouse.  So, there it is isn’t it?  I feel disrespected and disregarded, but more than that appauled and alarmed that she doesn’t know the protocol when asking a favor from a FAMILY.  But, I’m realizing the more I think about it, that it may be more her issue than mine.  People only do what they know to do.

But that’s just me.  And I may very well be in the minority, but it’s the way I feel.  I, of course, will be weaving this into a story somehow. Probably something BDSM-y where someone gets punished.  You know, resolution and way I can get it.

The Difference Between Blood and Water

When it comes to communication, I am generally the first to hop on my soapbox, however, when it comes to directly communicating with my spouse about certain things, I choose to step back a bit. Most times he’s completely oblivious that anything that has been said or done has affected me in any way, but every now and then, he can guess.

Take yesterday, last night for instance.

But in order to get there, I have to tell you the question I posed to him a year a so ago. I can’t pinpoint my motivation at this point in time, but the question was?

“Am I blood or am I water?”

He quickly assured me that I was blood. It didn’t occur to him that the reason I was asking was because, at the time I was feeling like water.

I realize I married him, thus married into his life, his family, etc., and we share no biological children. However, when it comes to family, he is mine.

There have been times in our relationship where I’ve felt like I don’t stand a chance against, say, his sister, cousin, mother, and often, his son’s mother. Therefore, when he asks my opinion, I tell him what I know he wants to hear, or I say nothing at all.

But, I digress. This is what happened yesterday.

We were at my mother’s for a bit and decided to visit a cousin of his a town away. Just a quick trip to chill for a little, and being that the next day was a school day, we wouldn’t be keeping the kids out that long.

His phone was dead, so he called from mine. There apparently were some happenings that way, so we prepared to go. When his phone livened up enough, he saw that he had a text message. It was from said cousin. It went something like: “Cuz, no kids allowed.”

Let me say first, that I understand “no kids allowed.” I have stated this verbally and written when planning adult parties at nights and on weekends when I knew my own children wouldn’t be present and there would be alcohol and no proper care for the children. But…this is when I’m “planning” something. People come by our house on a social basis unexpectedly all the time and then sometimes bring their children. Sometimes mine are there and sometimes mine are not. However, I don’t turn them away because of this or forewarn them at the last minute that if they have their kids, don’t bother coming.

I made a comment or two about it, and he noted that it seemed I had an attitude about it, which I did. But, as I’ve said before, it’s not always what you say or do, but how you say or do it.

We don’t have my stepson every weekend, and never that late on a Sunday, so the “kids” who weren’t allowed were obviously and specifically mine when it came to us coming. I just think I would have taken it better had she said to him immediately, something like, “we don’t have any kids down here, though,” or “we’re having some adult only” entertainment. Don’t wait fifteen minutes, as if it’s an afterthought or you’ve had some sort of discussion about it, then text HIS phone not MINE and tell HIM, not me “Cuz, no kids allowed.” It was as if she were whispering it in his ear so I wouldn’t hear. And, I probably never would have known had I not checked his phone myself.

All that being said, me and the un-allowed kids stayed home (and I DO realize my children weren’t singled out, but I am very mother bear about my children, and with their behavioral disabilities I feel bad enough burdening other people and their homes by bringing them over). At first, he seemed supportive as if he was going to stay home with us, but I could tell he was getting antsy. He sort of mentioned in passing that he would like to go, which was fine, and he went.

And he had a good time, and that was good, too.

But once, just once, I would like to not feel like I’m overreacting or taking things too personal or feeling like he siding with family over me, but that’s how I felt. And I realize that I could have simply mentioned all this to him, but knowing my husband the way that I do, there is no way he would have seen it through my eyes. He said in fact, “you’ve told people ‘no kids allowed’ before,” and like I said, yes, I have, but not when they’re basically already at my door step.

But, I’m sounding redundant. I just had to get that out there because I’ve been stewing about it overnight.

Blah, blah, blah.