Tag Archive | marriage

Boundaries

lafyette

 

This is going to get personal, like, really personal. But that’s what we do here. Chat lightly, things get heavy, we promote a little.

I would categorize this one as a vent, except I’m not angry, and quite frankly, that worries me.

I may or may not have spoken here about boundaries. Specifically boundaries in a relationship. And sure, everyone has their own, whether expressed or unspoken.

Mine, however, have been blatantly expressed in the past, but now I find myself dealing with the same issue.

Specifically, I’m talking boundaries when it comes to being in contact with people other than your spouse/partner.

Where do you draw the line? At texting? At calling? At hanging out?

And to catch you up. The spouse is mine, the contact is via text (as far as I know) and he sort of told me as an afterthought.

The texter is a coworker. Remember those simultaneous dreams he and I had where I dreamed he was having an affair with a coworker and he dreamed I was having an affair with the neighbor? Weird, right? Well, the neighbor moved.

And his coworker, not someone he works closely with or even physically comes in contact with on a daily basis, texted him yesterday to “check on him.”

He’s on vacation. He’s not sick.

He’s simply not at work. And if he’s not at work, then guess what? He’s at home or somewhere with his wife, who would be doing the checking on if need be.

I didn’t say anything at first.

Because I try to be a cool, modern wife, you know. But the thing is, I wear my emotions on my sleeve, and at some point, I started to boil over.

He thinks it’s jealousy. I think it’s boundaries, plain and simple. If I’ve not met, formed any type of friendship with this woman, she does not get to have a part in our marriage that’s exclusive to only him, especially when I was here first.

But, maybe that’s just me.

In the end I gave my opinion and honestly, he seemed sort of sad, like I had taken away a favorite toy or something. He even told me to find a guy to text after I asked how he’d feel if he were in my shoes. WTF, right?

Now, mama didn’t raise no fool. I didn’t come out and say “stop this or else” because if he wanted to stop he would and if I told him to stop and he didn’t want to, guess what? He’d continue, only behind my back which would make it definitely look like something even if it’s nothing.

So what did I do? What any sane woman would do, of course. I friended her on Facebook. I’ve got the bitch on my radar and I’m watching the situation closely. That’s all I’m saying.

 

 

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“All They Do Is Fuck”

A few days ago, I walked into the room to find my husband had started watching True Blood from Season 1. Neither of us had ever expressed interested in watching and really knew nothing about it.

I, however, know that I’m not into vampires in any kind of way, I don’t even know if “vampire” should be capitalized.

But, when I walked in, Sookey and Bill were, well, in the throes.

“That’s it,” my husband said, pointing at the screen, “that’s all they do.”

So, naturally, I was intrigued and started watching with him. It’s officially our thing now.

But, beyond all the wild, crazy, “dirty dick and all” sex, we like the damaged relationship between Tara and her mother. We love that Tara is such an emotional mess and keeps pushing Sam away.

And fake voodoo woman?

And naked man turned dog shape shifting?

Count me, I mean, us in!

At this point, we’re pretty attached to Lafyette, so don’t tell us if he dies. We almost needed resuscitation when we thought he was dead at the end of Season 1.

So, we’re enjoying it, and Hubs has sternly looked at the dog and said, “I better not ever catch your ass naked at the end of my bed!”
 

“Welcome to Atlanta where the players play…”

This is the text I got from my husband this morning, once he got to work and found out that he had been picked up as a transfer with his job to their Atlanta facility.

We decided on a whim almost a month ago to put in for it because the situation here has been at such a stand still, and really, I’ve been complaining about this place (my hometown) for oh…since I moved back here in 2006. We also tried for Houston and Butner, and I would have been fine with either, but being honest, my heart was already in Georgia.

And, truth be told, and as my history speaks for itself, I believe in fresh starts.

On one hand it’s scary. With two special needs children, transitions and the what ifs surrounding them can be paralyzing, but on the other hand we’ll be in a place where there are many more opportunities and hopefully school districts that can better suit their needs.

I will, at least for a bit, be able to be at home writing and be there and available for my family. The chances for promotion for my husband will greatly increase. And I will still have family in the area, including two beloved older aunts who I don’t see or talk to nearly enough. And there are a couple of friends who relocated there several years ago who I get to catch up with, too and writer friends I’ve met through social media who I might actually get to hang out with in real life!

But enough with the jibber jabber. I have a house to sell and another to locate and buy!

Boundaries

I’ve been out of sorts lately, which really seems and sounds weird because I’m out of sorts most of the time.  It’s been more so, though, over the past few days because I have unresolved feelings about a home life situation. 

It’s had me thinking a lot about boundaries and respect and, really, proper protocol as it pertains to certain situation.  My husband, and apparently a handful of other people, don’t share my views on boundaries, respect and proper behavior, and lately I’ve been wondering if I’m in the minority with my opinions, or if this simply is the type of people I’ve gotten involved with, been spending my time around.

There are not many people in my life that I consider friends, therefore, there aren’t many people in my life besides family.  I have my oldest friend whom I’ve known for over twenty years, another friend I’ve known for almost as long, but who I feel closer to because we’re like minded in a lot of ways.  There is also a woman who is older than me whom I feel I can talk to about anything, who doesn’t have a judgmental bone in her body, and whom, over the years I’ve found to have had similar experiences as me, therefore she can shed light on a lot of the things I present her with in conversation or play devil’s advocate, back up what I’m saying, or whatever the situation calls for.

I’ve said all that to say, I don’t have male friends.  I’m friendly with male co-workers, but I couldn’t tick one off that I’d ask marital/man advice from, or ask for anything more than a dime to complete my fifty cents for a soda.  I used to have male friends.  Some of my closest friends were male.  This came to a halt when I got into a serious relationship.  Most of it was that it seemed inappropriate to me, being that these men weren’t friends/friendly with my significant other, and part of it was that I was involved with someone with insecurity, trust and jealously issues.

My spouse has a female friend who is friendly with me, who we invite to our home and both talk to.  However, when, if she needs something, it seems that he is her “go to” person.  And when I say “go to,” I mean she goes directly to him.  Even if she’s seen and talked to me all day.  She has borrowed money from “him” and most recently, needed to borrow a vehicle from “him.”  Forget all about the fact that it’s the family’s money and it’s the family’s vehicle.  I mean, who am I supposed to be…the barefoot housewife who cooks, cleans and doesn’t dare handle any of the household affairs?  That’s her life, not mine.

It seem(ed) all sorts of inappropriate to me, but being that we obviously have different views on this subject, he doesn’t see it that way.  The thing that bothers me is not that she needs/wants these things, but that she is married, and he is married, and she doesn’t feel it necessary to address me or at least address me first.  I joke with my spouse that he’s her other husband and she’s his other wife, when actually, I want these inappropriate behaviors to cease.

I can’t imagine any situation where I would feel the need to ask for something from another man who is not my relative, and especially a married one, even if he is a relative.  It would feel disrespectful to my marriage, and I would feel like I was disregarding my spouse.  So, there it is isn’t it?  I feel disrespected and disregarded, but more than that appauled and alarmed that she doesn’t know the protocol when asking a favor from a FAMILY.  But, I’m realizing the more I think about it, that it may be more her issue than mine.  People only do what they know to do.

But that’s just me.  And I may very well be in the minority, but it’s the way I feel.  I, of course, will be weaving this into a story somehow. Probably something BDSM-y where someone gets punished.  You know, resolution and way I can get it.

Romance vs. Reality

At some point yesterday I tweeted that I was writing a mushy, lovey-dovey blog post.  And I was.  In fact it’s all set to go.  I was going to post it here on this blog on this day, because it would be all so fitting…

…because today, I have been married four years.

Over the past few days I’ve been thinking of the many ways in which I could say that:

Four years ago, I married the love of my life…

It’s been four, beautiful, magical years and I look forward to many more…

And it went on and on.  I wrote a terrible, terrible poem last night and a handwritten love letter.  It was hours away from our anniversary, and that’s what I was supposed to be doing, right? Anniverseries = bliss = romance… right?

I know that’s not always the case, but sometimes I forget.  I tend to think that reality will sometimes step aside for romance, but no matter what day it is, a marriage is still a marriage and sometimes it sucks ass.

So…I’ve purged enough.  And I’ll keep my shiny, happy blog post for a shinier, happier day, whenever that may be.

But hey, I did get some diamonds, and diamonds are forever, they say.

Every Day I’m Thankful…

…for my children, husband, dog, turtle, extended family (even the ones who get on my nerves) and friends I’ve met in the craziest ways (I met one of my besties via Twitter over a year ago) and editors who continue to publish me and even take the time to mentor and encourage me and readers who like my stuff enough to reach out and even those who read and enjoy my stories and I never know anything about it.

But…I’ve got a feeling that today, I’m supposed to be especially mushy about it 😉 so…

I am especially thankful this year and on this day for two children, who I struggled even at my young age to conceive and to carry, who continue to thrive despite numerous challenges, a daughter who, even with ASD, asks for hug after hug and kiss after kiss and comes into my room to tell me she loves me about one hundred times a day.  I am especially thankful for a son who is standing next to me right now reading from a Batman Comic Book after having not spoken a word until he was two years old.

I am thankful for a family physician who, after numerous hospital and specialist visits, had the experience and foresight to test me for Lyme Disease when he out of everyone else recognized the symptoms, when I was ready to just shoot myself to end the misery.  And on that note, I am thankfuly for a boss who left work to come and take me on one of those hospital trips.

I am thankful for a mom to argue with but also have beers and laugh with, a husband who knows and excepts all my flaws.  I am eternally thankful for the ability to continue to do what I love after all these years.

I am certainly thankful for the opportunity to edit my first anthology and to keep coming up with new ideas.

I am thankful, I am, everyday, and always.

Happy Thanksgiving.

Love, Tenille

In There Somewhere

The other night I dreamed that somehow and for some reason my ex-husband and bio dad to my children, had to live with my current husband and I for a period of time.  I don’t recall the exact circumstances, but we were all very willing to help him.  To know me, really know me is to know that never, ever in million years would this actually go down.  So, of course, I did some research to interpret.  Dream Moods said:

Ex Husband / Ex Wife In particular, to see your ex-husband/wife in your dream indicates that you are currently finding yourself in a situation that you do not want to be in. It suggests that you are experiencing a similar relationship or situation which makes you feel unhappy and uncomfortable. Alternatively, dreaming that you are together with your ex-husband/wife implies that you are subconsciously repeating the same old patterns from that relationship to your current relationship. You are making the same mistakes and reacting the same way.

Husband To see your husband in your dream signifies the waking relationship with your husband and the subconscious feelings you have towards him. The dream may be trying to focus on hidden elements that you are not addressing in your waking life.

When I take the time to interpret my dreams, they are generally dead on with that is going on in my waking life.  I had a tumble of a weekend as I briefly mentioned before, and without going into any details, it caused me to question pretty much everything, but mostly the person I’ve become over the past few years.

I often applaud myself for my growth.  I was once a selfish girl who was so protective of myself and my feelings that I’d rather stomp on someone else’s heart before I risked them doing the same to me.  A lot of that was youth and naivety.  Much of it stemmed from watching the disaster that was my parent’s marriage.

I got married for the first time at the age of twenty-three and I went into that first marriage optimistic with eyes bright.  I didn’t realize that much of my optimism spun off of ignorance and a lot of the fluff I was so lost in was because I couldn’t see things for what they were.

I didn’t demand change in my life or in my relationship back then, instead, I allowed myself to morph into someone and something I no longer recognized and I lived that way for 5+ years.  Then I finally got out, vowing to never allow myself not be myeslf ever again.

Whoever came into my life after that was introduced to the real me, take it or leave it.  And I happen to think the real me is pretty great.  I’m good to people.  I’m easy to please.  I don’t ask for much.  When I remarried, I was on a cloud because this person knew all lmy flaws and accepted them.

However, recent events and revelations snapped me back into reality and it occurred to me that once again, it was I who had changed.  I had become superwoman, this over accomodating person who was all too pleasing and all too available, too afraid to stir the pot to make any demands on my own behalf.  And that made me susceptible, it made me vulnerable and able to be blind sided.

But still, six years after epiphany number one, I again recognize that all it takes is that moment.  All it takes is that minute or split second.. and you wake up.