Giving Up and Letting Go

Over the last 48 hours or so, I made a snap decision. Surprise, surprise, right?

I’ve decided to: a. Stop drinking, b. stop smoking and c. lay off the caffeine.

I also made another pretty big decision, but I’ll speak on that at another time because as it’s only a hope/wish right now and may never even come to fruition it may never even be relevant, so…

But, of the afore mentioned three, I figured that the second would be the most difficult. I don’t know if I’ve ever said this aloud or even acknowledged it as a truth, but I have at least one drink per day, be it a beer, glass of wine, or a cocktail. Most times, it’s more than one.

Have I ever seen it as problem? No, because I simply believe that you must hit rock bottom, and I’ve just never gotten there. So, I’m quitting while I’m… ahead? If nothing else, I’m simply testing a theory.

I’d really like to know what’s left when I start stripping things away, when I don’t have those vices to fall back on. A filtered cigar was my friend when I needed that nudge to get through the work day. A cup of coffee was my motivation to get up and moving. Alcohol was my reward at the end of the night when I had made it through another day.

And I began to ask myself… where was I in all of this? Where was/is the real me? Can I be happy just all on my own, achieve that proverbial natural high? Am I really a woman of substance or do I hide behind my big cup of coffee and my berry flavored cigar and my glass of Chardonnay?

Yesterday was day one and I eased right on through it. It was strange watching one of my favorite reality shows though without a glass in my hand, but I didn’t dwell on it much. And I fell asleep okay, and slept pretty well.

Today, I am sipping a cup of coffee – I think mostly for the heat because I’m cold-natured , so even de-caf coffee would suit me – but the other stuff… I think I’m good for now.

I’m trying not to look at it as something that’s been pried out of my hands. I want these things to be something that simply floats away when I let it go. No wrenching pain, no regret, just relief.

Then let’s see what I’m really made of.

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