They Didn’t Die Hard.

They sorta just went away. I described it as my growing up, gaining and taking more responsibility. I attributed it to the fact that I was content; I was happy, therefore, I didn’t need to give in to previous methods of self… um… pleasure, for lack of a better term. For instance, I am a shopaholic. It got really bad after I had the kids. When I finally left their father I had boxes of clothes with the tag still on. The habit continued throughout the year that we lived with my mother. my closet was jam packed with brand new clothes that I bought and hid from her. I had a new outfit for every occasion. It was ridiculous. It didn’t stop with the clothes. It was books, trinkets, this, that, didn’t matter. It was the high of buying something, having something, looking forward to… something. Then I bought our house and the desire pretty much went away. Of course I had a mortgage then and no one wants to have to say, well, there was this really cute pair of shoes I had to have, therefore, I let the house get forclosed on… ya know?

Of course, by then, I was happy. But oh, this weekend I had an epiphany of sorts and I recognized that the habit has come back, but in the form of CD’s. I have purchased 5 CD’s in five days – 3 in one sitting! This may not seem out of the ordinary to any one but me and actually I am a music lover and have a million CD’s but I only buy in spurts and when I can afford it. But I know what this is all about and I know that if I were happy with my size right now, I’d be buying clothes instead, so yeah, I’ve fallen off the wagon.

Compared to last week, things are looking up, but I don’t know if it’s that things have actually gotten better or I’ve just come to accept certain things or that I’ve gained enough perspective that it just doesn’t phase me anymore. Dare I say I’m jaded now?


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