It’s been a morning of reflection for me… more like an evening/late night/morning/midday of reflection. Over four years ago, I made a big/major/drastic/difficult change in my life in the name of serenity and peace of mind. Anyone who has kept up with me here or on my more updated and personal MySpace Blog knows the process I went through and all the ups and downs. I had some good, happy and eye opening eperiences. I found peace. I was happy with and felt good about myself.
But, all in all, it’s led me to where I am now, in a home of my own for three + years, in a relationship for nearly four years, clarity with the special situation of my children and, well, somewhere in there, there’s me.
I remember stepped out on faith those four years ago and a lot of it was about me because at the end of the day, it had to be. I had to be content/happy in order to be who and what I needed to be for my children. I vowed to never again sacrifice or comprimise my/our happiness and well being. I would faithfully attend to myself, being honest with myself and being honest with others about my feelings so that I would never, ever feel again the way I’ve somehow, someway found myself feeling again.
Again, I feel the weight of the world on my shoulders. Again, I feel like road kill that’s being picked over by vultures. Again, I feel like nothing I do is right and whatever I’ve done in my past life must have been hella bad for me to still be paying for it now.
For a long time I’ve blamed myself. It had to be something I wasn’t doing, something I was doing wrong, something I could be doing differently, but at some point, doesn’t it all come back to maybe there’s nothing you can do? Maybe these people/this person simply can’t be satisfied. Maybe it’s time to get back to you, to throw your hands up and let the chips fall where they may. After all… what’s the worst that could happen? You’ve already been left, ignored, cursed. I mean, really. When is enough, enough?