I’ve started slacking off with this blog and I’m growing increasingly aggravated with myself because I know that my lack of attention here is indicative of how things are going in my writing life. Blogging every other day or every few days, leaving blank spaces in between is my way of not being accountable for what I’ve done, or more accurately, haven’t done.
Blogging forces me to take responsibility, to report my progress, to own up to my inactions. Avoiding the blog is my way of not having to admit I didn’t write. That way, if I miss a day posting, it can just be left up to assumption that I’ve either not written anything or I’ve written so much I was too spent to post. Thing is, it’s a pretty safe to assume that if I haven’t written a blog entry for that day, I haven’t written a damn thing else.
It’s so frustrating when the stories/essays are right there, just waiting be written, when my muse is being so incredibly good to me and I’m stalling, making excuses, doing everything but the damned writing. It’s maddening. I swear I wish I could put a boot in my own ass.
Sure I have my excuses. Sure I’m working long days (and nights). Sure I’m taking care of the kids and cooking and cleaning. But, I’m also watching television when I could be writing. I’m shoe shopping, talking on the phone, I’m out having a cocktail when I could be writing.
This is how I know I’m not ready to make the transition into freelancing full-time. I don’t have the discipline. As long as I have a full-time job, as long as I have that cushion, nothing’s going to light a fire under me to do it. As long as I consider taking the plunge a risk and not a necessity, it’s never going to happen.
And see, I know all this but it’s something I keep ignoring like it’s going to go away. But why? I love writing. Writing is what I do, what I want to spend my life doing. So, why am I steadily putting in year after year on a job I care nothing about? I know I need to do something about it and, eventually, I will but until then, just ignore me and these little spats I have with myself from time to time.