I think that once we actually move and settle in I will have a renewed spirit in the writing department. I’ve been thinking about me and my big issue with completion. That’s been my biggest problem, coming up with these great ideas all over the place and getting some work done on it and then once I lose some of that fire I set it aside never to be looked at again. Oh sure, I can finish a short story, but only when I’m almost certain it will sell or someone has specifically asked me for it. It’s like I’m only motivated to finish something when I know it will be accepted, when it’s not such a big chance that my work will be battered once I send it out into the world. So, I use my incompletetion as a coat of armor, Hmmm. Interesting. As long as I keep the work scribbled in notebooks, in a file on my PC only to be seen by me, it’s safe, it’s still the brilliant work I “think” it is. It can’t be judged by others.

I completed a full length project once. A fiction novel that I wasn’t particularly proud of because it was so mainstream and so “fad.” At the time I was working on it, I was telling myself it was just to make a little money to fund the project I really wanted to work on, but I still couldn’t shake the guilt of knowing that I was putting out something that I didn’t even want to be associated with. Long story short, a small publishing house picked it up, slept on it for about a year and I found out by accident that they were no longer publishing mainstream fiction and had “lost” my manuscript, contract and contact info. I don’t know why I feel the need to talk about it now. I’ve mostly been avoiding it since it happened. In a way it was a relief, some sort of divine intervention. I was free to do the work I really wanted to do, but still it was a dissappointment, a rejection, and who loves rejection, ya know? But alas it was a learning experience, the whole process of writing the novel. I learned a lot about structure, characterization, etc. if nothing else. I was a part of a magnificent novel writing group at the time and had some great entries that I really need to get my hands on and save somewhere.

So, I’m sure that whole ordeal has something to do with it too. I don’t want to throw myself into something else that may ultimately fail. What I need to work on is not worrying about the outcome and just doing it because it’s what I love. Yeah.

I chatted with an old friend late last night and it felt great. I sent her some adorable pics of my children. I don’t do that often enough.

Maybe more later.

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